Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in itsonlythis' LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 7th, 2008
3:14 am	I don't care what you think...as long as it's about me. Haven't written in here in forever. How many times have I said that? Oh well, I always get drawn away. I'm in one of those moods. Where you don't know if you feel really excited or depressed. Maybe just teetering on the edge, able to fall eithr way at any given moment. Such is my life. Didn't fall asleep until 10 am last nigth, got maybe 3 hours sleep and here I am again, 3:18 and can't sleep. That is all. Goodnight. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 6th, 2008
1:15 am	Lets split this life- dont think I can take a whole one on my own. Thoughts on change: I know how fucking selfish it sounds but I do want them to stay the same forever...and you can hate me for it if you want. But its not because i dont want them to grow and learn and live and be happy but because I want them to always feel like this is the most important thing in the world and they could never turn their back on it, like I do. Because I can't imagine what it would be like without this to help me through...I dont want to imagine because it makes me feel sick to my stomach. It makes me feel hopeless and it makes me rethink my life and it makes me feel even worse that I let this consume my life so much that it actually means this much to me, that I'm letting someone I've never met hold part of my existense in their hands. In reality I know it can't last forever but its funny how the mind works because I've never pictured it ending. And it wouldnt be the end of my world but it would definately be changed forever. Because its not just about these songs or these four boys. It's about the words and making me think and screaming so loud you cant breath but smiling through it and feeling close to strangers because you all fucking care about something and giving you something to believe in and realizing that even the most ordinary people can surprise you and finding out that you and your sister are bonded forever because shes the only one who gets it, understands and its about defending yourself even when you feel like an idiot and its about always saying youre fed up but then handing out second chances like you do your heart and its about feeling like your worth nothing and you just want to punch someone in the face and how you can put on your headphones and still fucking smile. Its about knowing how other people feel when they get right on the barricade and are so fucking close they can feel it to something and someone who means so much, not because they're hot or made you a cool tshirt but because they changed your life, because late a night when all the doubts creep in they were there whispering in your ear to keep going and prove everyone wrong. They were the ones who have done so much but cant even comprehend quite how much. And its about knowing what it feels like to want to thank them so much you want to cry just thinking about it but you dont know how. Words are never enough. Sure they're you idol or hero but probably more like your life. <3. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Friday, December 21st, 2007
1:27 am	1:27 am Today's just been one of those days where all I can think about is how the world would be better off without me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 2nd, 2007
1:29 am	Love never wanted me. Once again, havent posted in while. Lots a sutffs been going on. My b-day was sweeeet. 19 bicthes ;] Went to Genji's for dinner. yummy japanese on the grill. Went to a casino in Canada and ordered my first drink. I felt like I was breaking the law and gunna get caught. hah All in all pretty decent. I got sick and I think I still have it a little bit. ughhhh. im so over this. i hate feeling like shit. Mom has to have surgery...just another thing... I <3 stress :[ Havent done my homework yet...i suck. Fall Out Boy concert in 17 days! i soooo stoked. meet and greet!!!! hell yeah. blahhh. gotta get up early. night lovers. pic from my b-day: Current Mood: exhausted (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 15th, 2007
1:09 am	Under the stars...I'll be you're lover. Picked up Ally today :] HxC times jamming in the car. you know how we do it. Went to the football game...they lost sooo bad. Gave chris his Spiderman lunchbox. lmao good times. Entered our video for The Cab contest! yay! finallyyyy Got early presents too! super stokeddd. hmmmm, big day tmr...awesome stuff in store. i'll write more later. peaceeee. Heres our vid. Comment if it rocks your world ;] Current Mood: excited (Comment on this)
Friday, September 14th, 2007
3:30 am	These chains won't break...these locks will hold. Just finishing up the video me and ally did for The Cab contest. I took me foreverrrr to find the song cuz i can get on my laptop. I feel lame now. Watching Rocky2 which i thought was lost forever. This makes me happy. Picking up Wig tmr :] Shes gunna be so stoked when she hears the cd's i burned. Maybe go to a football game is someone stops being a douche. I need a new book. I feel like a loserrrr without one for so long. I'll post the video tmr if i remember. Nighttt <3 Current Mood: busy (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 13th, 2007
1:09 am	Me and you...setting in a honeymoon. So I just watched the new Fall Out Boy video for I'm like a Lawyer... I was so nervous about it because ive waited for sooo long and sometimes things just arent how you imagined...but i never should have doubted  my boys. I think its better than i ever could have imagined. This actually makes me respect Pete alot more. I was definatly in awe for most of it. When the music suddenly stops my jaw was dropped. It kinda sucks that is going to be allll over trl now, and people arent even going to care what the fucks happening in the video but whatever... maybe people will open their eyes and see theres a world out there bigger than highschool. "The best way to make it throught with hearts and wrists in tact is to realize that two out of three ain't bad." Other than that today was pretty blah. Class from 10 till 4. new class started to today....yucky. Me and this girl almost got completely lost from our class. Good job! lol Boring, boring, boring...blah blah blah. thats all. <3 Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 12th, 2007
2:19 am	As we dream through others dreams... Today was a kinda lame day. Slept forever from being up late. Felt shitty and didnt even shower till like 4. Photo class today. Kinda boring because she was going over sutff i already knew from taking the other class. Oh well...we got our first project. Im excited to get back into the swing of it :] I missed Chris Angel tonight :[ Hopefuly I can catch a rerun. I start my new career-planning class tmr. Should be interesting. Thats about it. Need to get to bed.... Sleep tight. Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 11th, 2007
3:42 am	Into a room where it's nine in the afternoon... Sup? Its almost 4 and ive been up since 9 this morning so yeahhhhh. im tired but once again, cant sleep. today was shitty weather an i had to drive a half hour to school, do the 15 min walk in the cold, sitting in classes all day, sit in the library for an additional hour, walk back out to my car...in the rain :[, and drive back the half hur to my house.  hellz yeah, you want my life right? So on a better note.  FALL OUT BOY at the vmas motherfuckersssss. :] scoreeeex10000000! 3-peat on moonmen and victory for gym class also (nice acceptance speech btw) It was so good, i wished they would have stayed on them longer than half the shit they showed. Im not even gunna say anything about britney, theres no words for it. Um word to chris brown, he stoleee that show. So all the stuff mtv failed to show but was in their site...awesomeness. Fall Out Boy doing Arms Race with travie, lil wayne, tyga and brendon :] Rhianna eyeing up patrick....niceeee. And my fav: Cover of Akon's Dont Matter. Ive watched it about a hundred times. Patrick throws in there "I'm rolling that body got every man in here wishing" and then pete comes and grinds behind him. PRICELESS. and then pete after "Patrick Stump, jesus christ, i wanna see us together man!" Me to, pete, me too. Just for Gym Class :] Night...or should I say morning? <3 Current Mood: tired (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
2:05 pm	Lets burn our dreams into the skyline... So I'm thinking I might start writing in this everyday again :] Im going to go all emo on you but "it's very theriputic" And its makes me feel good to know that I have a record of some of the crazy shit that happens to me. hah So I'm back at school. It surprisingly feels good to be back and  into a schedule again. I was getting sick of being a bum. It seems insane to me that a year ago I was freaking out about starting college. I was so scared not only of the classes but what it would mean for me. It pretty much just means being an adult, and lately im not so opposed to that. So my birthday's coming up pretty soon :] Nineteen! I can drink in canada! Score? lol So for my bday i might be getting a new bed which makes me extremely excited. I have so many ideas of how to re-do my room. I just want to start it, i suck at patience. Ive been listening to tons of new music lately too. Which makes me kind of excited.. I was worried about what was going on out there, everything sounded so copy-cat and blahhhh. But my faith has been restored. arent we all glad? So new All Time Low leaked... and i know i sck but i listened to it :] soooo good. One song actually talks about marrying a girl...you dont hear that to often. I dont know...pretty much it. I'll leave you with a pics from last weekend at Ally's labor day party: Peace, Love, and cupcakes <3 Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Friday, June 8th, 2007
12:24 am	I'm casually learning to get down... So yea another random post. I just got back from Vegas on tuesday :] I had an amazing time. I saw the strip and all the lights. I got to see The Cab and The Higher in concert! and i got pics and autographs!! My cousin is th biggest bullshitter i know and i love him. hah Well he started talking to the keyboardist of The Cab's mom. yea. for real. haha So then we started talking and i got to go back behind the table and get pics with them all and have th singer give me the best hug. It was pretty much perfect. Sadly i won no money...o well. And the first time I got a chance to lay out in the beautiful 104 weather I got a call that my grandpa was having heart problems and therefore he spent three days of our vacation in the hospital :[ Other than that... our pool had a shark tank in the middle and the slide went through the middle! good time :] Even better news...im leaving for Chicago tomorrow!!!!!!! I will be gone for a week and am going to see fall out boy on monday. and Check, we got early entry. so everythings working out beautifully. a week with my wig in our favorite city and tons of music for the ride down. but sadly i still have to pack :[ im putting it off for as long as i can. and im trying to get away with no shower till tomorrow...ew. haha So yea i dont know... hmmm...im really into the higher now so check them out if you havent yet. I'll leave you with a couple pics from my trip. Night Lovers <3 Current Mood: anxious (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 25th, 2007
4:00 am	Failure never looked so pretty. I am surprised this even lets me post... I should be ashamed of myself. hah Well tons of crazy stuff has been happening in my life. My friends are in a band called The End of an Era so me and Ally have just been their little groupies for a while :] Theyre really good. You should check them out. www.myspace.com/theendofanerarock Im done with school till the fall and have no idea what i'm doing until then. Well actually I do know that i'm going to Las Vegas at the end of May!!! Im so excited to get to spend time with my family and cousins that i dont get to see very often and also see all the sites. Then, not even a week after we return, im heading to Chi-town to see the boys play! I cannot wait for all the excitment this tour will bring, im sooo stoked. Im positive tons of other shit will come up and fill in all the empty spaces...it always does. Friends have been sucky lately. theyre all lying and backstabbing and I swear that I can no longer get along with anyone, except allison, for more than a day. hahah thats really pathetic. we have come to the conclusion that we cannot have friends who are girls...it just simply does not work. no matter how much we try to distance ourselves from dramaaaa it never works. I actually had a friend yell at me today for "caring that they were ok"  what kind of bullshit is that? im done. In other news, ive been listening to a ton of different music lately. hmmmm...old stuff is being brought back out. ive taken a definate liking to regina spektor and kanye west (i rap it in my car). also if you havent checked out The Cab yet get on that cuz there is a definate reason panic! backs them...they are amazing! We will own your thoughts We'll own the song stuck in your head We'll leave you kicking and screaming So you can thank us in the end.  Night Lovers, Shelby Linn Current Mood: blah (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 17th, 2006
2:23 am	The perfume came naturally from Paris, the guy...she couldn't care less. Ok ive been to a fall out boy and panic! at the disco concert since the last time ive written. Thats insane...they were insane. Perfection every time. At Panic! we met Andrew McMahon in an elevator...how does this happen? crazyyyyy. he was carrying underwear. hah. The concert was amazing but ...different. Not as warm and inviting. Still good though. We chatted it up with Zack after :) Fall out boy concert.....AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! thats all I can say. This is exactly what we wanted, what we'd been dreaming of. We saw them..up close and could feel everything vibrating around us. priceless. the mosh was crazy. im surprised we made it out alive. I think my rib is broken and i have hxc bruises on my feet. We met some awesome people, which usually doesnt happen at concerts for us but it did and im glad. They were super cool and helped us out :) we helped them out, were a big happy family. During Saturday, i videoed the whole thing, 3 crowdsurfers fell on my head and you can hear me scream! score! hah I caught Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz' waterbottle...that his mouth was on. yessss. ally got to guitar pics, good job yo. We met with are buddies again and waited to met pete again...we got up there and chatted with him a bit, got his autograph, he complemented my hat :) got pics with Charlie and found out Dirty's baby is due any day now. Had an long drive home and didnt get to bed until 5:30 then had class at 10. fun fun. I'm finally DONE with classes and i am so happy i want to cry. ok enough rambling.  peace out xo (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 4th, 2006
10:18 pm	I hate when all of your anger comes out on the wrong people and you want to take back everything you did or said because in the end you realized it wasnt worth it. and someone asks yo whats wrong and you cant think of anything...or else theres too many things that you cant pick one or tell them because theyd probably laugh at how ridiculous it sounds. Im tired of being FAKE. i feel like sometimes i just have to put on that happy face when i really want to cry but i dont want people worrying. i dont want people thinking theres something wrong with me but deep down inside im really not sure if there is. I just feel like everything is piling up and i cant breath anymore...one more thing and i dont even know...words dont make sense anymore. i think for too long ive been trained to write what sounds good or elequent instead of how i feel and right now i can feel the tears welling but i hold them back because "i have things to do." i can almost feel them streaming down my cheeks but they wont fall. i dont want people to feel awkward or uncomfortable..like they have to walk on glass around me. I want to break down but at the same time i dont want anything to change. i hate this life but at the same time i would never give it up. sometimes.... (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 8th, 2006
2:52 am	so believe in me, because i don't believe in anything. My words don't even make sense to me...this just says it better. "I live for the things that are looked passed..  My left tooth overlapping my right when I laugh and open my mouth wide enough to see.  If I fell asleep with my television on.. you would change it to the weather channel rather then shut it off.  I turned my back on you ..and you tell me you would still give me the world, as long as I'm there to take it.  We go for weeks without talking but when we see each other.. it's as if we have always been.  You would get in the bubbles with me even though we didnt fit and were cold because there was never enough water.  If I am sad or lonely and need someone to talk to.. you will wake up at 3am, invite me over and cook for me.  Your favorite time of day was when I took my makeup off and put my hair up before sleep...because thats when I looked the most beautiful, you would say.  You will only have $5 to your name and if you get drunk you will insist on spending it on me and if I say no...you get upset.  The day I went to visit you, when i knew it was a bad idea..when my heart and mind told me not to..filing my tank the indian man came up to me and said-  Your sadness is the most beautiful thing i have ever seen-... I replied with- what saddness?-... he just stared at me and said-I know..I can feel it.  I have no tone and don't know the words to the songs, so I make them up and he knows exactly the one I want to hear.  You sent me a shoe box of 23 paper airplanes because you knew I would appreciate it.  How my dad calls me snake.. and is persistent on taking me out to the ocean on the boat, though he knows I hate the sun.  It was storming, I told you to get my car...you did and when I ran to get in it, you locked the doors and laughed at me while being drenched for five    minutes...before letting me in.  ...I am here to remember the things that dont cross your minds." I leave you with one last thought... My mind needs a rest.... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
3:07 am	"I'm not always the person i want to be...but you make me want to be him." Im bad at updating lately but I think ive just been too busy figuring things out in my head. If I tried to write my feelings they would probably come out in a mess that no one would understand or want to. I think if anyone knew half the thoughts I have they would probably send me away. I have this very erie feeling that I'm going to wake up one day and i'll be 50 with nothing to my name and nothing I can do about it. But at the same time I almost wish that would happened so I could just skip threw all this bullshit. I focus so much on other peoples lives so that I dont have to pay attention to mine...and then when someone asks me what happened I can just tell them I was busy. I'm such a good actor that I dont even know whats the truth anymore. I think that the one thing worse than wanting to die is not caring if you do... So much has been going on lately... Had an awesome Halloween :) Last weekend was really good.  Football games and letting out a lot of pent up frustrations haha Screaming words to songs instead of singing them. football players have strange ways of warming themselves up. Grandmas b-day party...awesome. "we dont like white people." Dance dance dance creepy party crashers losing money in the juke box... drunken relatives you know we have video footage ;) I loooove my family <3 ( everytime i scratch my nails down someone elses back i hope you feel it. ) May angels watch me through the night,                         until I wake with the morning light. 143 Current Mood: indifferent (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, October 30th, 2006
1:26 am	I love it when it rains because then no one can see my tears. "I felt no reason to carry on with my life Everything was wrong, nothing was right, At least that is what I thought Kids finding laughter at my expense They were killing me on the inside they couldn't give up their pride My heart was bleeding from so much grieving On the outside I looked fine, You couldn't tell but on the inside was eternal hell I got caught up in the moment of depression, and before I knew it my bodywas lying on the ground With a gun in my hand my hourglass was out of sand Thanks to all the people who drove me to death Without you I could of never ended my breath Through your anger and hate, I was able to choose my fate There was a way out, but I chose the easy route Blast of a gun, breath runs out, final thoughts put to extinction No more pain, no more love." Think about it. I'm excited for Halloween...im hoping my costume will disguise me enough so that people wont recognize me and realize how too ridiculously old i am to be out trick or treating :) too many things going on lately and too many things i need to get done...more like too many things ive been putting off. That celebrity paranormal show entertains me greatly. What if your fears and dreams existed in the same place? What if to get to heaven you had to brave hell? What if everything you ever wanted cost you everything you ever achieved? Would you still? xo Shelby Current Mood: blank (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
1:44 am	“More and more, it feels like I'm doing a really bad impersonation of myself.” “If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?” I feel like i'm at a point in my life where so many things are influencing me, changing me. I look out at a tree and see how the sunlight can hit it just perfectly and make you want to stay in that moment, bask in it and soak it up. But i've looked at that same tree a million times the same exact way and never felt anything, but suddenly its changed...i feel i'm actually experiencing life and noticing things around me. Like maybe my whole life was leading up to this point. But at the same time it makes me scared. Am I spending to much time watching and not enough participating..am i watching the world pass me by? It scares me to think about what I will be like when i'm 30, 40...will I like the same things...what scares me the most is thinking that I might eventually leave something behind, a memory, a CD, a lyric, and when I need it in the future I won't have it to save me. As much as I tell myself I will always love something, I have no control if I at one point deide to grow up and think I no longer need these things to help me through, and that single thought frieghtens me more than anything. "You are not a beautiful, unique snowflake... This is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time." Sleep... -me   Current Mood: confused (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 8th, 2006
1:39 am	You always come close but you never come easy. I officially suck at life because I havent posted in over a week...i dont know why. Everything just feels like work lately. That phone call that you should make, that food you should eat, that paper you should write. It all seems to much when all I really want to do is crawl into bed and wake up when I dont feel tired every second and dont feel pain everyone morning. Everyone is dying...from the moment we're born, every breath we take is one less and every moment we sit and stare at the clock is another minute closer to none. Whats the point anymore. Even if I did find someone I truly love and we get married and have kids and have a perfect house and i have a perfect job, what difference is it going to make? When I die  no one will care about what i did...its the same thing that millions of other people did and will be forgotten in the same way. Whats the point of even trying...the bar is already set too high. There are  too many people just like you these days and its too hard to get noticed. Theres nothing you can do be cause there is always someone better. So I might as well sit back and wait because I am destined to be nothing more than normal. This weekend was actually pretty good. I woke up on friday and read and I didnt even turn the tv on. I have 3 books in the past month and am half way through my 4th...people are starting to make fun of me, haha. You all should go read any Chuck Palahnuik book. Diary was especially good. Watched the Homecoming parade. It was extremely short...maybe because I wasnt in it. Mr and my friend went and got what we needed for the homecoming game. We bought extremely awesome hats! The Dollar Store fo sho' :) "If I have this smile on my face its because Im retired!" Got ready and cooked for the tailgating but ended up being late so we decided to wait until after the game. We also could park in the endzone because we werent handicapped, we tried to get Keith to pretend but he said no...Boo! The game was good we ended up winning by one point in the last 3 minutes of the game. It was good seeing old friends...i missed Dylan. It felt like a different school though...too many strange faces, the freshmen looked like they were 10. After the game we went in the back parking lot and cooked hotdogs and ate mac and cheese and carrots, haha. We turned up the music and danced and a lot of random people came up and partied with us..sooo much fun. Went home and got a really confusing phone call and im not sure exactly how to deal and ally isnt hear to help :( Today I helped a lot of people get ready for homecoming and it was actually refreshing not having to deal with it. Also I watched She's the man and took a nap. yay! Got to talk to Allison and wish her a fun night which made me happy...she cant have too much fun considering Im not with her but she'll still do ok. lol Babysat and made $20 which I will blow on something useless...o well ;) I have Pictures!!!!!! ( You're a touch overrated. You're a lush and I hate it. ) Sweet Dreams Lovers <3 Current Mood: geeky (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 30th, 2006
2:09 am	I hope you need this now, cause I know I still do. So today was jacked up to say the least. hahahah So I had to babysit at 4:30 and I ended up getting out a little early at 8. So I walk the two doors down to my house and am fumbling in my purse to find my keys. All of a sudden I look through the window by the door and see them sitting on the table :( Yes...I was locked out. I had no one to call because my mom was at work and her cell was turned off. The neighbors I babysat for were already asleep. So my only choice was to sit and wait for my mom to get home. So I sat. and I sat and I sat and I sat. By this point I could no longer read my book becaue I couldn't feel my fingers. I'm just gald i decided to grab my hoodie before I walked out the door that night. I had no socks on either.... I swear to god it felt like winter had come early. So finally at 10:00....2 hours later...my mom gets home and I get inside. My body is still cold and my neck still hurts from sitting on that bench. So what have we learned children? If you guessed "Shelby is moron" you're absolutely right...congratulations! That is all...and now I am off to get under my heating blanket and stay there for the rest of my life. "Face down in the dirt, she says,  "This doesn't hurt", she says,  "I finally had enough."" Goodnight, Sleep Tight. Shelby Current Mood: cold (1 Comment |Comment on this)